Here is the email I just sent to a business that I spent a great deal of money with:

11 Feb


customer-service
I am reaching out to complain about your website navigation, it is Mato Grosso, and I am Percy Fawcett. I spent no less than 15 minutes attempting to log into my account. I entered my username and password, I was then directed to a series of security questions, then back to my username and password, then back to security questions, then back again, and again, and again….

I phoned your customer service, and after a great deal of time (and loathing in my voice), your rep was able to grant me access to my own account. He deserves a damned award for dealing with me. I assume he would prefer gold, but I’d wager he would accept Starbucks.

Once in my account I found it to also be useless, offering me no history, only the option to give you more money. Good for you on not looking back, always forward, right? I spent a fortnight (ten minutes) attempting to find my history, going in circles, over and over, circles, and because I’m not an olympic ribbon dancer it was quite dizzying, I gotta say.

It was then that I embarked on yet another failed expedition, contacting online support. Each page that said “Contact Us” only directed me to another page with nothing of use, or it opened new windows (that were useless), though to change it up, I did notice you included a couple dead links as well. I understand that you don’t want people to contact customer service, I mean, that’s just annoying, and why help people that are giving you money? Aint nobody got time fo dat!

I tried to write this note previously but was mercilessly cut off when I tried to send it. Your server said it was going to log me out, I clicked “Stay Logged On” but it was pointless, your system ruthlessly destroyed my connection without the slightest remorse. It is a beautiful web you weave, I would be interested to know how many have sunk to its depths and lost their minds within it.

BTW: Your error, log out, and account locked alerts have grammatical errors.

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