Slowing it down for the ladies.

16 Sep

I go to a lot of metal shows. I love metal. I love going to shows but it’s not uncommon to be able to count the women in the room on one hand. The first time I saw Dragonfoce there were seven people there, myself, two people who I drug there against their will and four large shirtless men in the front. More recently I was at a sold out Baroness show where there were only three women there, myself, the annoyed girlfriend of one of the opening bands and an adolescent girl who infrequently surfaced from the pit throughout the night.

To be fair we’ve stepped it up in the past decade. There are more members of the fairer sex at metal shows than when I was driving my Oldsmobile Cutlass with it’s over 300,000 miles on the odometer to the Creepy Crawl.

I don’t mind being the minority, I don’t mind that there is frequently not a t-shirt in my size at the merch booth, and I may be annoyed-but I don’t really mind the falling on their face drunk dudes with pick up lines like, “you have an abnormally sexy nose, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.” What always gets my goat [or should I say Baphomet] is the ongoing need to dedicate the one slow song in a set to the chicks in the crowd.

The night is awesome, you’re covered in gross club sweat that smells like highschool locker room mixed with whiskey but you’re trying to convince yourself it’s not gross if you wait until the morning to shower and suddenly, you hear it, the dedication to the double X chromosomes in the room. “Alright! We’re gonna slow it down now for the ladies!”

Why? Why are you going to slow it down for me? Sure, I like Succubus in Rapture, but so does everyone else here. If we don’t slow it down is my vagina going to shrivel up and die? Will my breasts suddenly fall off? Are we going too fast for my feeble female brain and I’m on the verge of careening into insanity? Is that what happened to Lindsay Lohan all those years ago? Why do we need to slow it down for me?

Next time guys, can you call it like it is? “Alright! I’m old and out of shape so we’re going to slow this down until I catch my breath, ok? METAL!”

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3 Responses to “Slowing it down for the ladies.”

  1. John Giovanazzi September 16, 2011 at 6:44 am #

    laidies love slow jamz.

  2. KeleighBlackKeleigh Black September 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    AMAZING!!!!!!!

  3. j gold April 16, 2012 at 6:49 am #

    I am remembering the first Deicide show in L.A., at the Troubadour. The only woman in attendance spent the entire set cowering behind the cigarette machine.

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